Nicole W. Barnes Author

By show of hands, how many of you have had a toxic relationship in the past? How many of you are still dealing with the effects from it? And how has it affected current relationships for you?

I don’t think I can raise my hand any higher. I was in an extremely toxic relationship in the past that still guides a lot of my daily thoughts. Let me explain…

My husband works 48 to 72 hour shifts. We don’t get to talk much when he’s gone, but make a point to talk before bed. If something comes up and we don’t get to, the doubt by creeps in.

I wonder what he’s doing that he can’t answer or call back. (He’s a firefighter so this shouldn’t even cross my mind.) I then begin to wonder if he’s unhappy with our marriage. Who is he with? What is he doing?

This turns into me remembering the times I had as a single mom and all of the trauma I experienced from that bad relationship. Cue the waterworks and a passive aggressive text message.

Now, we have always had a great relationship. Most of our disagreements are about my insecurities, but even those disagreements are minor. He constantly reminds me that he isn’t the one that hurt me. He isn’t the one who broke my spirit. My response is always “I know, but it doesn’t make the feelings go away”.

It’s been five years since that bad relationship ended, and I still haven’t been able to fully recover. I don’t think I ever will. However, I do need to find a way to not make my husband (who is a saint) pay for the sins from a relationship he wasn’t part of. He didn’t even know the guy.

I feel guilty that those past sins still have such an effect on my current life. I hate that it makes me doubt the one person who made me see that love isn’t always going to end in tears and hurt. I feel a desperate need to fix this and don’t exactly know where to start.

When I figure out how to do this, I’ll let y’all know. If you have already worked through it, I’m open to advice! The sins of that past relationship shouldn’t still be creeping in. I’m proof that there is happiness again after a storm. I can’t let that storm ruin this happiness also.